ICE PICK here, and I am HOT today (in more ways than one). If I were you, I’d BACK THE FUCK UP, sit down, shut up, and LISTEN. Alright, alright, Dr. Flo’s nudging me, reminding me about catching more flies with honey and shit. I’ll try, Flo, sheesh. You see that?! You could take a lesson or two from me about how to LET SOME GODDAMN WOMEN INFLUENCE YOU. That is, if you can open your rigid, tight ass, thick skull. I know it must be hard to pry the old rusty lock off that thing. At the very least though, TRY, TRY, TRY to open your mind, your heart (if you’ve got one left), and your ears, and if you’re as strong as you like to pretend you are, maybe you could try to keep your eyes open and your feet moving a bit more when we’re through here, huh?! That’s right. Good. I knew you had it in you.
Like I said I’m hot today, I’m HOT, and I don’t give a crap about my part. I want you to see your part first. Because I’ve told you over and over and over again, over and over and over again...IT’S ALL BURNING DOWN. It’s on the VERGE of COLLAPSE. Don’t you see it?! Why won’t you look?! What do you gain by averting your eyes?! Tell me!
AM I THE ONLY SANE ONE HERE???!!! Because if that’s the case, WE ARE ALL SCREWED. Why are you just standing there like nothing’s happening?!!! FIRE. Over here. FOR GOD’s SAKE, let's put it out, grab some water, get the proper tools, what in the ACTUAL FUCK are you waiting for?!
Even Dr. Flo has tried getting all loud and aggressive about this one. Finally, something that YANKS her chain as much as mine. We’re in alignment. She’s been whispering and hollering and tugging on sleeves and waving her hands wildly for years now. If anyone pauses long enough to glance over, all she typically gets back are blank stares emanating from zombie-like faces followed by questions riddled with tones dripping of condescending annoyance. What are you getting so bent out of shape for? They ask. Calm down. They demand. Chill out. They laugh. Relax. They smile. You're making a big deal out of nothing.” They WISH. They think she’s just being hysterical. Because that’s the only POSSIBLE explanation, right? When a WOMAN starts to lose her shit, no possible way she could ACTUALLY be CORRECT, huh?! MUST just be another HYSTERICAL BITCH blowing shit out of proportion again, RIGHT?!
That’s where I come in, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. Like I said, this GASLIGHTING game you’re playing is FUCKING DONE. Dr. Flo can typically handle herself just fine, but when the stakes get as high as they are now, I don’t care whether she needs my help or not, I’M FUCKING HELPING. GOT THAT, FLO??? I’m sick of this BULLSHIT. One more person treats Flo like she’s some kind of head case Chicken Little and you’ll finally can SEE what happens when ICE PICK is pushed to his limit.
LISTEN UP. THE SKY IS ACTUALLY FALLING. If you wait until you can SEE it with your own retinas, IT WILL ALREADY BE TOO LATE. This is your LAST WARNING. Do you REALLY think it’s just an itty-bitty coincidence that temperatures in the Northwest have been almost 40 degrees higher than average?! Just a freaky twist of fate that Death Valley was the only place in this truly Wrecked America that was hotter than Oregon this summer? Just a silly fluke that the wildfires burning there RIGHT NOW are so extreme that they are generating their own weather, so extreme that experts estimate that they will burn for five more months, so extreme that they are producing some shit called FIRE TORNADOES?? Just funny little happenstance, yeah? Just unrelated serendipity at work when last week’s flooding in Europe was so unbelievably devastating that there are LITERALLY no words in the German language to describe it?!?!?!
But I can almost hear you now...soothing yourself with some fairytale about how THAT couldn’t possibly happen where YOU live...spinning some story about THAT PARTICULAR REGION...THOSE PARTICULAR PEOPLE...Certainly not you or anyone you love. Or maybe what your mind is saying is even more shameful than that. Maybe you’re telling yourself that you don’t have to worry because you’ll be long gone before anything truly horrible happens. Maybe you’re comforting yourself with the thought that you won’t live long enough to feel the worst of it. You certainly wouldn’t be the first to have those thoughts. And you sure as hell won’t be the last.
What’s that rustling noise?? ARE YOU TURNING AWAY? TRYING TO DISTRACT? TRYING TO DENY AGAIN? TRYING TO PUSH THIS UNDER THE RUG? Just like all the other atrocities? Well, you know what, this time it’s different. This time avoidance and denial and distractions aren’t going to work. Not with only 100 seconds to midnight.
What’s that? You think I should talk to someone? You think I should see a shrink? I’m laughing. I’m rolling around on the ground, I’m laughing so hard. Tell me another one. Laughter is good for the soul.
Believe me, I WISH I could shrink this away. I WISH the problem was my COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS. I wish I was CATASTROPHIZING. I wish I was DELUSIONAL. I want to let you know, baby, that I’m DONE with gaslighting myself. I’m fucking DONE. Done with the DENIAL that keeps US ALL ADDICTED to the materialistic bullshit running this MACHINE OF MASS SUICIDE. Ignorance won’t look so blissful on you when you and your neighbor are fighting over that last air conditioner now will it?
Imagine believing that climate scientists are puppets of the Deep State or whatever BULLSHIT fantasies protect you from pain and help you sleep at night. I’ve kept that infamous tape over my mouth for a long time now. Obviously, I haven’t wanted to embarrass Dr. Flo - my whole reason for being is to protect the good doctor. The deal now though is that protecting Dr. Flo is shapeshifting, protecting Dr. Flo is about to look like something else altogether.
With ME in her ear, it’s no wonder Dr. Flo is having a ton of trouble coping with the idea of returning to “normal.” We ain’t going back to no “business as usual.” Did you hear me? Did you?
LISTEN UP. If you won’t listen to me, listen to Bo Burnham and “get your fucking hands up.” WE AIN’T GOING BACK TO NO BUSINESS AS USUAL, you got that?! We ain’t going back.
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