I spent years denying or ignoring I had been sexually molested. I found in humor and laughter the power of Remembering WHY that set me free from the shame and denial. I know a power in humor and laughter I would not know had I not lived thru that hell. My Higher Power used molestation to help set me free. Remembering WHY has helped me understand the power that can be found even in the horror of living thru molestation.

I have spent more time than I care to admit staring in the Victim Olympics. I used to love a good pity party. My life was a constant reframing of Snow White, “…mirror, mirror on the wall, who was the most victimized of us all?” This wasn’t life; this was a tremendous waste of time. This wasn’t living. This wasn’t a life. I was trying to be. You name it, I was trying to be it. I spent years trying to be everything but me. That was my waste of time.

The Coolest Part of coming in here is finding the power of laughter and humor in life no matter what I have experienced or how far down I have fallen. The Coolest Part is the shit I can’t forgive I have found the power to laugh at. If you don't learn to laugh at yourself in these rooms, you're gonna miss the biggest joke that ever crawled thru the door.

It’s said we ought to forgive and forget. I was having none of it. I have been obsessed with the things done to me and the things I have been thru. There were people I hated. I mostly hated myself. I hated my life and my story. I hate how I let people use me and believed more in what people could do for me than I believed in what I could do for myself or that my God could for me what I couldn’t do for myself. I thank my God I know better today and can laugh at a lot of this shit today.

Living is finding the courage to laugh when I want to cry and the strength to find joy and happiness when others can only see hardship and sacrifice. Living is humor and laughter for me. Humor and laughter are life turned inside out. This is living, life and all its shit turned inside out. The joy, the happiness I find somedays. More than others of course. They are the muscles I have developed from learning thru trusting in My Higher Power no matter who difficult or dark shit in life can get I can turn it inside out. Living to me is taking the action to change the things I don’t like. If I can’t change them, then I change my attitude. This is human, comedy and laughter. This is Living.

I needed humor to make sense of and peace with my past. I need to find laughter to keep from crying. I have found my Higher Power has a sense of humor that is contagious when we cease taking ourselves so damn seriously. Life is short so why am I taking my self so damn seriously? I have been desperate to learn how to lighten up. Comedy is the way out for me.

I wonder sometimes if the blame for my being sexually abused falls at the feet of the individual perpetrator or a family who set me up for it by instilling in me the pursuit of success at all costs. It’s said in the rooms of recovery that the reason our family can push our buttons is because they helped install them. Pretty Much.

I thought my problems were caused by the ugly things people did to me in the past. I thought my past defined me. I thought I was what I’ve done. For years, I lived in the shadow of these thoughts. I thought I had to fix the person in the mirror. I didn’t know how to trust my higher power to be for me what I needed. This understanding and misunderstanding was life for me. I thank God I can now look at all this and laugh. This is The Inside Job.

I’m learning there is power in letting go. Sometimes I struggle with negativity from the past and past hurts. I know this is key to being free and finding the joy of laughter but I struggle with forgiving, especially forgiving myself. I’m listening for what God has to say to me thru others. I amazed at what God has to say to others thru me even though I have my struggles.

In The Mirror, I have found healing for my soul. In The Mirror, I find the freedom to live happy, joyous and free. In The Mirror, I have found a peace that is greater than any pain, problem or person. In The Mirror, there is a joy I have found the world didn’t give me and the world can’t take away. Not even the man who molested me. I have found the power to laugh at things I never wanted to remember and thought I would always regret. My dark past has turned into an asset and in some cases laughter In The Mirror.

I can’t forgive or forget the person who molested me, I thought. Today, I realize I can- I just don’t want to. One day I will but it ain’t fucking today.

I thought I would always regret the past. I thought I would take certain memories of the past to the grave…Today, I have found the courage to talk about the past. Today, I can own aloud the shit that has happened to me in the past. Today, I don’t regret anything that I’ve been thru. Today, I can see God’s hand even in the experience of being sexually molested. Today, I have put The Last Place thinking in my rear-view mirror.

I get Bucket Lists. My Bucket List is about being genuinely happy. My Bucket List is about my ass doing and being what my Higher Power wants me wants me to do, be and become. My Bucket List is about living my best life, realizing my Higher Power is everything and everywhere and has a great damn sense of humor. My Bucket List is the essence of who I am and understanding why I’m here. I thank God today I have more than the past. I have a Bucket List

Happy New Year. May your new year bring you joy, laughter and happiness. May old hurts, wounds and sorrows leave you. May new people, places and things bless you. We all deserve it. May your 2022 be absolutely Cosmic.

Merry Christmas. Christmas means I can live with and celebrate the Joy of my past and live in peace with myself and others. Christmas means there’s a power in the universe great enough to heal my wounds and turn my tears into joy and laughter. We celebrate this power on Christmas and during this Season. The Peace, Joy, Love and Hope of this Season. This is Christmas.

I’m overwhelmed by this place and how inadequate I feel to the other students here and what they have and where they’re from. I’m not in Kansas anymore. This is not N. C. A&T State University anymore. I doubt who I am sometimes and whether I can make it here. I fee overwhelmed by academic deficiencies …” This was my being uncovered and exposed. This was the state of mind and emotional bondage I was in that uncovered and exposed I was susceptible sexual molestation.

I fight to remember what matters ain’t the darkest shit that is a part of my past. I struggle to remember the past ain’t all of me or my story. I work to remember my demons and inner characters ain’t the problem; they are a part of who I am. I’ve learned whatever I am to become will be a product of what I make of the demons and inner characters that are who I am. I laugh and think it’s crazy as shit who I am and will become is linked to the characters and the shit that is part of the past I struggle to keep from devouring me. I think it’s crazy as shit and a real joy I can turn the shit I thought I would always regret into something meaningful and maybe even hilarious. Now that shit is funny.

I’ve been telling people I’m this academic star from NC A& T and this deeply spiritual minster of the gospel. I’ve been acting like I’m as good as anybody else here. I tell myself I can be whatever I need to be here to make it. I’m catching hell. I’m no longer the academic star I was at A & T. I know I’m a fraud and fear I’m going to be found out. I’ve been lying my whole life. I’ve been lying so long sometimes I don’t Remember When the lying started and who I really am. Not Remembering When sucks, excuse my French (smile).

I was haunted by the memory of being sexually molested for years. I beat myself up daily for my role in how this went down and how I could allow it to continue. The Haunting Memories were as bad if not worse than the experience itself. I have been haunted by the guilt, shame and regrets. There has not been a day that has gone be that I haven’t asked myself “…how could I? What kind of person was I to devalue myself like this?” I didn’t like myself. I hated myself. I wanted to make it so bad I would have done anything to so-called make it. I was running from a lot of shit from my past. The Haunting that has been a part of my life and my past has been crippling. I know The Haunting firsthand.

I’m here at Yale and have great expectations. I’m looking forward to the future in ministry that is before. I expect I will enjoy a good life and help people when I’m finally ordained. These are some of my expectations. But I’m confused by things I’m doing to make it. I’m confused by the incredibly shallow relationship I’m involved in here. I’m making friends but don’t feel these relationships are genuine. How can they be? I’m carrying baggage and secrets. I can’t believe I’m here academically. How did I get here? There are these secrets I’m carrying about the things I’m doing and have done to make it here. This shit weights me down. I’m not sure I’m gonna make it thru this program. I’m hoping I will. I know I’ve got a lot of work to do. I’m guess you could say I’m also Expecting a Miracle.

I don’t fit in here. This is so different that A & T. I’m not special anymore. I feel lost and like I’m in over my head. I’m struggling to make it here and fit in. I don’t feel supported here. I’m not comfortable in My Own Skin here. I am doing things I never thought I’d do to make it. Making it and surviving here are everything to me. How did I get involved with this man who is taking sexual advantage of me? Not being comfortable in My Own Skin? Why did I stay in this relationship with this man even though I didn’t like him and certainly didn’t love him? Not being comfortable in My Own Skin. I’m not only getting a great theological education here at Yale. I’m learning the depths of darkness, despair and deception I have gone to and will go to when I’m not comfortable in My Own Skin.

Forgiveness has not come easy for me but neither does laughter and I want and need both. I’ve had difficulty forgiving myself for the shit I’ve done in the past and the shit that has been done to me. I’ve hated myself for the mistakes I’ve made. I feel ugly on the inside for the shit I’ve done. But the funny part is I still love me some me. I feel beautiful on the inside when I find the capacity to laugh at the people, places and things that think they have the power to keep me feeling and thinking the way I’ve felt in the past. I feel beautiful and find the laughter in that shit because it’s funny how people think they have power over me other than the power I give them. It took the deleterious impact of choosing to be in a relationship of molestation to teach me this truth and to find the laughter in the futile attempts of others to keep me down and downcast. My Forgiveness is embracing the understanding that “…If you free your mind, your ass will follow…”

Yea, there are things I thought I wouldn’t do for A Million Bucks, but I’ve done shit I never imagined for much less. Being molested, that shit wasn’t my fault. But, staying in a relationship with my molester for money and material gain. That’s my shit. That’s about my shame and feeling unworthy and unloved. I get it now down to the marrow in my bones.

The need for Acceptance drove me to stay connected to the man who molested me. What wouldn’t I do to be somebody? Feeling powerless and wanting to be powerful. My need for approval has been my drug of choice. There I was, bending into a pretzel to be thought somebody. My need for Acceptance kept me from being present to myself and understanding who I was. I thought I knew what I wanted from life and what I wanted to become but how could I having never found self-love. My Acceptance today is embracing all this shit as part of my Higher Power’s twisted but empowering sense of humor. I get it.

Hell no. My Ego hasn’t been my Amigo. My Ego got me in a destructive relationship with a senior priest in seminary who molested me. My Ego, with its twisted damn feelings of unworthiness, kept me all knotted up in that shit when it should have and fucking could have done better for me. My Ego had me confuse material happiness with being some damn body. I accepted shit from that pervert I never thought I was capable of. But that was then and this is now. Now, I can see that fool for who he is and know authentically who I am. I focus on the humor in the shit I’ve been thru. I’m damn sure he ain’t getting real wherever the fuck he is. I bet he can’t say that. Today, I’m working to be at peace with my Ego. Yea, today I’m working at my Ego as my Amigo cause when it comes to the comedy game, even on a bad day, this is the struggle that will keep me rocking it

Hell no, nothing can change our past. Yep, shit has and does happen. I was sexually molested while in Seminary. This abusive relationship went on for 14 years before I found the courage to leave that world. I can’t change that or the past. Today, I am crawling back from that hell. I’m no longer trying to change it; today I embrace it. ‘If’ I embrace it, maybe I can use it for some good. Nope, while I can’t change the shit of my past, ‘If’ I can embrace it, maybe there is someone who can find strength from my journey back from the shame of this hell. ‘If’ I embrace it, maybe I will one day be able to transform the deep pain I feel into a cause for celebration on the inside instead of masking it thru my laughter on the outside. Yea, I was molested but I can still dream ‘If’ I can keep moving forward despite my past.

I learned from the experience of surviving the indignity of being molested I had it within me to begin again, to no longer live in shame and to never again allow anything to define me as less than the child of a loving God.

In spite of being sexually abused as child, I choose to use humor and laughter to change the world. I was taking a first semester ethics course at the Yale Divinity School. In a conversation with the Professor, I expressed my calling to ministry was a way to make amends for my past transgressions. I thought for years the weight I labored under was caused by my past sins. Like my girl Rosie who feels deeply flawed and ashamed of where she is from, what she has been and done, I was ashamed of where I was from and my past. 

I need to talk to my ladies for a quick minute.  Ladies, why do dudes who wanna take you out for drinks always wanna take you to a spot that has a happy hour?  If that’s all you can afford I’m cool with that, but they pull up wearing a Gucci belt, Fendi shades, and pull out their Louis Vuitton wallets to flex. But when that check come they look like they seen a ghost!  “If you broke, just say you broke boo boo.”  I’d date a broke honest dude before I’d date a dude faking like he got that cake.  Ladies what you think? Have you ran into these same type of guys or is it just me?

Good morning world!  I’m so excited today because I get to find out which hilarious new news stories we’ll be bringing you on the show.  Wednesday’s are the best! See you at noon!

Good Monday to all my peoples out there in the internet. It’s that rise and grind day!  Time to let that weekend go and start plotting your escape for the next one. I hope you got you some this weekend and all yo bills is paid but if they ain’t fuck it, we gone make them ends meet this week…ya feel me! Lol. Enjoy your work week!

How ya’ll doin’ today my Wrecked America peoples?  It’s your girl checking in on a Monday. Who the hell likes Mondays? Nobody except unemployed people. Hell, Monday to them is just like Saturday, Friday, and Wednesday. I guess it's time to get  to work before Monday don’t mean shit to me either! Remember, we gotta a date for Wednesday at noon here. Don’t stand me up! LOL. Bye ya’ll!

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Hey ya’ll, its me again. I can’t tell ya’ll how excited I am this week. So many good things happened this week.  My new podcast launched on Wednesday, and I found out that my ex-boyfriend—who is currently dating my ex-best friend—both have herpes. Karma’s a bitch man.  Oh well, Mimosas for me, definitely a week worth celebrating! Yay!!

Hey ya’ll, welcome to my slice of heaven here on Wrecked America. Every Wednesday at noon my podcast will be available on WreckedAmerica.com under the comedy icon. I’ll be bringing you hilarious news stories that highlight the absurdity of modern culture and I’ll provide a platform where my funny people can get their joke on. This really isn’t my show, it’s your show. I wanna hear your jokes, your stories and your thoughts on this crazy thing we call Life.

If you funny, we may invite you on the show to tell a few of your best jokes for our podcast audience. If you’re really, really funny I’ll invite you to perform live at my “Comedy from the Edge Showcase” live on stage here in Houston, Texas. Do you have what it takes to be the next great comedian? This could be your big start!  And it all starts with one joke.  Send your jokes to be read on the show to jokes@wreckedamerica.com.

For info about the Comedy from the Edge Showcase or just to chat with ya girl, hit me up at Yalie@wreckedamerica.com.  Don’t forget to like Wrecked America on Facebook and follow us on Instagram for info about the show and to stay up-to-date with everything going down in Wrecked America. Ok, I’ve talked enough, my drink is melting and I can’t stand no watered-down margarita!  See you every Wednesday!